i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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