I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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