Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
