Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
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after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
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Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
my poor anus
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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