ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
