someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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