that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
