We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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