found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
