You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.