Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.