Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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