wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
