Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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