All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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