god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Randomize
