he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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