I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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