So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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