New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
