If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
