Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
