i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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