Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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