whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
