he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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