well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
