fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he shaved USA in his pubs
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
