i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I lost the right to judge tonight
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
