please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
