I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
