hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
