Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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