There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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