I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
