ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
