I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
