i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
