i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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