I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
