never play flip cup with pint glasses
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
