Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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