i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
