Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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