Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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