So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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