There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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