If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
