I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think my vagina is haunted
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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