My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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