Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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