its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
