I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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