oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
