Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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