i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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