so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
