Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
