Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am available for nakedness
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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