I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
