Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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